Aya Bellené LLC

You Can’t Manipulate Life to get what you Want

Growing up I was taught by watching my parents that how you manifest what you want is by trying to manipulate life. Boy did they scheme, get rich quick plans, ice cream trucks, moving and shaking here and there, promotions at work and they were miserable. My step – father would talk about his dreams but my mother never ever talked about hers. I heard her say once that she wanted to take ballet classes when she was younger but her mother denied her. They weren’t fluid and in the flow of life.

My mother used intimadation to ruin my natural channels and flow with life. Even though my mother’s life choices were never great and I was sad for lack of connection, I was able manifest everything I wanted for myself in my life even without her help. Others would help me. She was not having it, she watched me like a hawk and made me feel like dog shit in order to keep me from being happy. After a while I gave up on even wanting anything, or expecting anything good to happen for me at all.

This is something that I am seeing as I lay here with myself realizing that there is nothing that I can “do” to make anything happen in my life. I have tried hard to make my dreams come true every since I moved out when I was 18 years old. I just turned 30, I thought that when I escaped everything would just happen for me. Not so fast, smooth or easy, I had no idea the work that needed to done to undo the programming that my mother brainwashed me into by her actions, how she viewed me, and how I was treated. Everything starts from within, with a true desire, with a true passion, the action is automatic.

Now the question is, what do I truly want and desire? I haven’t let myself know what I wanted with certainty since before my mother started abusing my masculine side (animus) when I was going through puberty.

There was a particular incident that I will never forget. I told my mother I wanted to be a singer when I was 11 or 12 years and she looked down at me with those wild raging eyes and she asked me in a very condescending tone,

“Sooooo, you think that the family is just gonna up and move to California just so that you can sing?,”

I shook my head yes, even though I knew it was the wrong answer, I honestly felt like that would be really cool, and plus I was a smart ass . Then she went in at me.

“You are so selfish, you think you’re all that, nobody is gonna move for you, I have 5 other kids you are not the only one living in this house . . . and etc . . . ”

I remember another time I was practicing really hard to get this brian mknight run from one of his songs, and I shared it with her. She rolled her eyes at me and had the most evil look on her face as she sled out the room. I didn’t know what hit me.

There was another time, I let her hear a song I had written and all she could say is that’s sad as she walked away from me.

Its so much in the words of the story that are important. It is the sensation I feel in my body that makes the difference in whether or not I truly heal. I can feel this in my upper back. Its a numbing feeling almost as if nothing is there, its a deadening feeling that stops all excitement. Its horrible, its almost as if it didn’t happen but something did happen.

This journey for me has been about self – compassion and self – understanding. As much as I would like to get on with my life and just sing already, now I know why it’s just not so simple. My mother gave me a self – image that I have to uncover and accept those parts of me back into my center. Its based off of her needs, inferiority complex, her never wanting to me thrive so that I would never leave, she needed everything in her life to match the view of life that she had because if it didn’t she had to destroy. Once she knocked most of the vitality out of me she still wasn’t finished, then I was a loser, I’m nothing, I’m crazy. That thing is vicious.

Oh, how confusing for a little girl.

5 responses to “You Can’t Manipulate Life to get what you Want”

ladyfairybread

November 2, 2011 at 5:06 pm

It seems perhaps because your Grandmother withheld and stopped your mums dream of ballet to develop then perhaps you’re mother thought the same for you ‘why should you do something when I couldn’t’ – childish yes but some people tend to reason like this.

What is your grandmother like? Is she the same as your mother?

Well done for taking a step away and trying to learn from scratch, because like you say, this is how you’ve grown up, how your mother has programmed you to think you are worthless or programmed you into thinking ‘this is how you deal with this situation’. Children soon grow up to think this is normal and you learn from parents. You breaking that cycle is very brave and strong! It’s not an easy thing to do. Is any of that making sense? lol

Do you have children? Has your mother changed? Do you still speak?

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1. A. B’Alis
  
  November 3, 2011 at 12:26 am
  
  You make much sense and that is exactly what I am doing breaking a cycle, changing my molecular structure, changing my DNA. I believe that mental illness is passed on from generation to generation through DNA but what you believe, think, and how you behave now is effective in DNA as well. I don’t have children. My mother will probably never change, I was with her when she was 18 years she is now in her late 40’s she is very sick, and I haven’t spoken to her at all in a year. She wouldn’t be able to handle speaking to me, she can’t control me anymore becauseI don’t think she is right in the way she views me, she wouldn’t be able to call me names and make little of me or my life and get away with it. Now I know how she views life in general has everything to do with how she feels about herself deep down inside, she is projecting, and plus I don’t want to put up with it ever again. Chile she is a mess to deal with very immature, games galore, not real, just real damn ridiculous.
  
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2. A. B’Alis
  
  November 3, 2011 at 12:31 am
  
  My grandmother is like my mother just more reserved. My mother has some sort of zest for life in her own way. My grandmother seems to have given up on life a long time ago. There is no validation for how I feel in my family at all. That is how my step father could come in and play us all. There is no love, no unity, no room, just a lot of bullshit, everyone trying to one up one other, off of what? Based on what? Its like everyone is hurting but nobody feels the pain, everyone is angry but they repress it, so imagine the harsh sarcasm, coldness, and all the I-don’t -give- a- fucks, and I -don’t -care -what -nobody thinks about me attitudes flying around. And I’m so sensitive if you look at me wrong I bleed.
  
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  1. ladyfairybread
    
    November 3, 2011 at 2:45 pm
    
    I can only imagine what you’re feeling.
    
    We’ve got mental illness in our family. I have it (although on the mend but it never truly goes), my mother has it and her mother has it. I used to think it was DNA that made us that way, but I no longer think that. I feel that because I was brought up seeing my mother not have a handle on things, breaking down etc, I saw this as normal. I vowed I would never be like that but it seems I am in slight.
    I’m lucky because I’m close to my mother. She grew up vowing she would never be like my nan and my mother is basically a more improved version of her. I am a more improved version of my mother.
    I will not allow my children to be like me in this way. My mother was very open with me and I would see her crying and breaking down and I would comfort her. A child shouldn’t have to do this on a weekly basis for ‘x’ amount of years. Although I understand it wasn’t my mothers fault, it is an illness that is so gripping.
    I NEVER cry in front of my children over how my mind is working. I wont make my children look after me, I am their mother. I wont talk negative in front of them either. Negativity is such a strong element that it can have such a grand effect on someone in more ways than one – as you unfortunately know.
    
    I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about this next part of comment, so if this upsets you, I am deeply sorry but I talk from seeing other peoples reactions.
    
    As she is ill, and perhaps her days are number, I don’t want you feeling any regret.
    I’m not implying that you should go over and forgive or anything, but perhaps this is when you can have your answers.
    When she’s gone, she’s gone and there is no turning back.
    It may be a wasted trip with her not changing anything, but this also may make her think of her own regrets and perhaps there is something she may want to say to you? Nice things hopefully.
    Please think about it. It may help you heal, it may bring you closure on it all, just to face her and tell her exactly how she makes you feel.
    Perhaps she’s never answers your questions before, but dying can do strange things to people.
    I’ve had people say to me ‘Why didn’t I go and see them’, even people who feel so much hurt towards them have said this.
    
    Long comment – sorry lol. xxx
    
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  2. A. B’Alis
    
    November 4, 2011 at 2:18 am
    
    If you lived with her you wouldn’t be saying that, no offense but you don’t know what you are talking about. READ with curiosity and learn about the human spirit and the different types of souls and their interactions. There is a reason. Don’t tell me or any other survivor of narcissistic parental abuse how to do their healing it is very offensive. It makes us feel invalidated all over again, its a no no.
    
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You Can’t Manipulate Life to get what you Want

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