Rag Doll

(October 27, 2011 9:27 pm est)

I am tired of being your rag doll.

I have spread myself far and wide for people who I could never say no to

I have been a rag doll for many men

A slave willingly offering my feminine sexuality

Offering the opening of myself to be engulfed for nothing by nothing

Its because of you mother, my natural predator, I was born to my enemy

Having to grow up and learn that’s its nothing personal

I’ve healed and learned that there is nothing behind all your antics

Your monstrous face

Your intimidating eyes

Your screeching, your yelling, hands on your hips, flailing, and straight up temper tantrums that have haunted me my whole life

Its wrong for me to get angry but permissible for you

Its wrong for me to have wants, needs, and desires but I fulfill yours

As a teen – ager I was obviously worn out

Tired from fighting with you, pleading with you, crying to you, trying to understand you, trying to get you to understand what I needed

For those outburst of self – expression I was shot down, slapped down, and shut up, told I didn’t have a place, a voice, and shouldn’t bother at all to live

Then you had no more use for me, you used me, and started telling my younger siblings that I was crazy

I could barely move

My frontal lobe is worn out because all I had left for me was in fantasy

There is no hope for me and you but there is hope for me

I’ll tell you a little secret that I think you already knew

I held on to myself on the inside and that part you could not control

I face you now again and again, the tears stream out of my eyes

I will make it and be all that I ever thought I could be

I don’t know if I will ever give birth but I will so

Laterally

The rag doll that you once used and toyed with and chewed, and squeezed and scatched

Knows that to become real, you need real love, and I have got plenty of that

I let myself know what my values are and I’m able to appropriately act

I let my body give me signs and post for I am valuable in fact

Emotional violence is very real and it created a scared cowering child

That turned into a scared and cowering adult but I am can healing now

Its hard to see the truth but I’m glad I’ve done it more than not

I will spend  my life as a vigilent adult

And you . . . well you will probaly still be scouring around like a vulture

Looking for your next prey because you can’t birth anymore children

What a wonderful idea for a predator like you

To make energy meals out the children that need and depend on you

And how wonderfully convenient for you to hide behind

The mask you made

Because all the laws are for adults

In the bible the children get laid

Out on floor for the lashings they deserve for being disobedient to the adults

Who apparently know it all

How can a child be disobedient?

In the constitution it says that all men are due rights under the natural laws of God but I guess that doesn’t apply to little people

Children are just the pets of adults

If it wasn’t for what’s acceptable to society and the image that everyone saw

You would easily take the next step after you were finished with your crimes and make sign that said,

“For Sale, Rag Dolls.”

You would sell your children off

Because to you they are not children at all

And this is where my understanding ends and perhaps you can take over and fill in because I will never understand that kind of indifference

No never, not at all.

This link leads to a link from a journal entry I wrote and a picture drew about how I feel in my relationship with my mother.

http://thegrimaceofmatriarchs.wordpress.com/?attachment_id=46

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