Category: My Childhood
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My Childhood Part 1
( My first Blog post, October 6, 2011) In effort to bring awareness to my podcast, The Trigger Happy Workbook Podcast, I will be posting the beginning of my online journey sharing my story. I started blogging out of a need to spill out what I was processing and not feel alone. I wanted to…
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The Wrong Reflection
If people aren’t like you What are they like? If I’m not like you What am I like? people can see me Can’t they? I should ask them “What am I like?” I need to hear flatteries Saying nothing about me is just as bad as Shame triggering poisonous attacks makes me try harder to…
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The Fairest of them All . . . Finally
“Hey, when she calls, right, tell her ass that I locked myself in my room, and I’m sitt’in in the corner rock’in and I’m say’in,” makes retarded gesture and in the ghostly voice says, “whhhy . . . whhy . . . whhhhy.” The two sisters burst into laughter. “What the hell!,” Olivia can barely…
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Self-Hate Embrace
Why should I trust you again I had to love you Silent wars on you Couldn’t Breathe without you Hard to sleep, nightmares about you How did it feel Getting your ass handed to you The Door slammed in your face At 18 pregnant with me The memory is in the fibers of matrix I…
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Am I Dead?
My dreams never came true Am I dead? My biggest shame. My biggest melt down in life. I have never come back from Something in me has given up For all time I suppressed this The thought ‘I minus well be a stripper’ because I felt that becoming an object of a man’s sexual desire…
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What Blue Ivy Will Never Have to Feel aka Trauma Vortex
8 legs in the air frantically frailling Somebody abandoned the infant Like she was a roach, a turtle, or a centipede that always screams like that anyway Bombastic squeals that no one ever hears Only what’s behind my obvious poker face reveals, the Fire in the bottom of my back Rage and under – attack…
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Moving out of Victim Consciousness / Experiencing Discomfort and Goodness
The very need to for me to have created a false image in place of my authentic self is a sign that something hurt me very deeply. The sign that my authentic self was judged as wrong or bad and that I took on those beliefs. I wanted to be someone else if the real…
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The Invulnerability of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Grieving
I am feeling so numb and broken down right now. I feel like some people don’t like me because there is no entry point, I don’t let people “in,” and I demand respect/boundaries. I shut people out and I show them what I want to show them. I told you all that my N-mom was…
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BEINGness Lost and Found – Somatic Experience
The consistent abuse that narcissistic parents inflict on their children is imposing on our emotional, mental, psychic, and physical sense of being. However you are naturally inclined to BE is wrong. They way you talk is wrong, the way you walk is wrong, the way you eat is wrong, the way you smile is wrong,…
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My Narcissistic Mother is STalking Me
She’s here. She found me. Yesterday I was walking out of my job and she comes from around the corner like its normal for us to see each other and she says,”Hi,” and keeps walking into the grocery store while I’m shouting her name. I couldn’t believe it was her. I was in complete and…
Aya Bellené LLC 